I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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