Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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