My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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