I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
