I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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