Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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