I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
