The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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