She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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