I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
