I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
