man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
third nipple confirmed
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
