4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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