i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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