I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
