I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
