i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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