By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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