Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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