Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
