I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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