no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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