Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
id be glad to
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize