Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
My life is pants optional.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
