i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
How does it feel to date your dad?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
