I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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