Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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