I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize
