he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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