So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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