He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
