I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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