He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
