I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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