so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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