Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
