Who wears a wallet chain?!
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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