Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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