WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
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