I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
