I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
