3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
