Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
