My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i just had sex bonerless
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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