oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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