You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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