If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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