Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
