how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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