How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
