Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
as a side note pls kill me
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
