ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
