Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Is it penis luge time yet?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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