who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
