in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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