the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
