you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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