i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
If I die, sorry about rent.
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