I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
