Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
