oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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